Wednesday, December 3, 2014

A Mom's Letter To Santa

Dear Santa,

This year, I wanted to write you a letter on behalf of all moms.  We, too, wish for you to come down the chimney and delivery some holiday cheer.

We have tried to be a really good moms this year.  We have run carpool and gone on the field trips.  We have baked for the PTA and volunteered for the book fair.  We have driven endless loops between the school, sports, art, scouts, camp, and home. Many of us have done all this and more while juggling a career or an illness or a zillion other things.  

We have planned for, shopped for, and cooked for the entire year.  It was mostly nutritious and sometimes even hot.  Give us some slack when our meals weren't perfect.  We were responsible for every meal and every snack for the entire year.  With the average family having 4.2 people, that means each mom served food 7,665 times - that is a lot of grocery store runs.  

We have planned the kids' birthdays parties and remembered to send cards to our husbands' family. We have tended to the throw up and the scraped knees.  We have handled the sibling fights and the school yard disputes.   We have really, really tried not to yell at the kids.  But, we yell anyways.  If it helps our cause, we feel guilty afterwards.  Moms always feel guilty after they yell at their kids.  

Like we said, we have tried to be good this year.  To reward all of our hard mommy work, we have put just three items on our Santa Wish List.

1.  We wish for 25-hours each day.  The bonus hour must come with a clause that it could only be used by moms for moms.  We could finally do all those things the women's magazines say we should do - like sleep.  Santa, if you give us this hour, we hereby promise to use this hour as directed.  We will not squander it doing more laundry or cleaning more bathrooms (at least not for the first week).  

2.  We wish to keep the wisdom of our years, but regain the bodies of our youth.  We want both our boobs and our butts to be perky.  We want the only grey on our heads to be hats.  We want to indulge and neither pay the price the next morning nor on the scale.  We want to wear the cute little clothes and not look ridiculous.  We don't want a single cosmetic in our bathroom to say "Age Defying."

3.  Most importantly, we wish for a crystal ball.  This crystal ball will simply tell us our kids will turn out just fine.  We can use it whenever we doubt our parenting or their decisions or the dangers of the world, We could simply look into our crystal ball and know our children will all be OK.  

Santa, if you can promise our kids will be safe, healthy, and happy we really don't need anything else.  From our baby's first breath, that is all any mom ever really wants.  To know our children will be OK, would be the greatest gift.  So push that crystal ball to the top of our list.  If you happen to have room in your sleigh, the other two would be nice, too.  

Merry Christmas.

The Moms of the World

Monday, November 17, 2014

Boondoggle? Definitely, Not.

 You know all those folks who turn business trips into boondoggles?  The ones who just have to go to Denver right when fresh powder falls.   The ones who conveniently need to attend a summer conference with their family in Orlando.  The ones who for any reason at anytime have "business" in Hawaii.  Scott is definitely not one of those people.  His business trips are, well, business.

Scott's trips are usually Arizona in the August or Juno in January, never the other way around. Today, he left for a conference in Moscow.  Who even schedule's an annual conference in Moscow in the winter?  The forecast was cold with a chance of frigid.  To make the trip even more fun, he there for less than two days.  Nearly 48-hours of flying for a 36-hour stay.  It is truly the antithesis of a boondoggle.  Much of the time, Scott's job is really cool.  When he has to take these long flights crowded in coach in a middle seat, running the house seems like a sweet gig.  Thanks, Scott!

While Scott is jet spending his week crammed in an airplane, the kids and I are manning the fort. Soccer finished up for Mick and Sarah's lacrosse clinics are winding down.  Jaley is testing for her Green 1 belt in Tae Kwon Do, which is about half way to her Black belt.

We are finished with the first term of the school year.  The parent-teacher conferences are complete. The leaves are changing and the temperature is dropping (though not much it is CA).  That means only one thing - the holidays are coming.

THE HOLIDAYS ARE COMING!  I am way trying to figure out the Thanksgiving plans and get the Christmas shopping done before the rush.  HA!  No luck there, one kids' wish list item was already sold out online and in the store.  Oh well, it will all get done, even if the hot toy of the season doesn't make it under the tree.

Then there is the house renovation.  I had these visions of leisurely picking pretty tile and paint, but that is only how it works on HGTV.  Last week, I drove to the top of a mountain, to buy rocks.  The week before, it was drainage pipes.  Important stuff, but renovating ain't nothing like the shows on TV.  Coming up on future episodes for us are wiring, windows, and HVAC.

That is life in MomZania.

Saturday, October 25, 2014

Hoping for a C in Mom's Elementary School Homework

I never realized how hard elementary school homework is.  Don't worry about the kids, they are doing fine.  I am the one who is struggling.  Who knew?  For the amount of work I am putting in, I will probably get a report card at the end of the term.  Compared to the work of the other parents at the school, the best I can hope for is a C (maybe a C-).   Here is a run down of the homework conversations of recent.  

"Mom, I need a picture from every year of my life." Great, the photo albums are packed in storage.  

"Mom, I need to know how our ancestors came to America and bring in mementos from their travels."  I don't know, but rumor has it the Harrell's came over on prison ships - maybe you can bring in handcuffs.

"Mom, I need a great family recipe AND by the way we have to cook it to share with 30 people."  Do you think I can claim our family recipe is a PB&J?  That is easy and I have the ingredients.  

"Mom, do we have a family crest?"  We don't even have a family scrapbook.

"Mom, I need a show-n-tell that starts with 'G' that no one else has brought to class."  How about this box of grits?  Hey, maybe that will work for the family recipe, too.

"Mom, quiz me on my spelling words."  Yes, where are they?  "I don't know."  Well, no then. 

"Mom, how do you spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious?"  I have no idea, go Google it.

"Mom, will you sign this form?  And this one?  And this field trip one?  And fill out this 10-page packet in triplicate?"  When with the reality of a paperless society arrive?

"Mom, can I have a money for lunch?  And the Fall Festival? And class pictures?  And the kindergarten art project?  And the field trip? And, I naively thought public education was free.   

"Mom, we really, really, really need drivers for the field trip."  OK, where is it?  "It is an hour each way at the top of a mountain and you have to do the back and forth trip on Tuesday and Friday."  I was just thinking I wanted to spend 4-hours driving in the mountains this week.  Sign me up.

"Mom, I need a penny from each year 2006-2014?"  Go check my wallet.  "It's empty."  Of course, I gave away all my money for all that school stuff.  Go take them from your brother's piggy bank.  

"Mom, can you help me with my math homework?"  Sure.  "But you have to do it this new math way."  Crap, I have an engineering degree and I can't even figure out this 3rd grade math.  

"Mom, can we decorate a cake for the Harvest Festival?"  Oh, heck no!  I'm shooting for a C on my parent report card, let's just buy one at the store.  

So with this note, I say thank you to my mom, my mom-in-law, and all the mom's before me.  Thank you for signing the forms and getting the supplies and writing the checks.  Thank you for volunteering and driving.  Thank you for organizing the class parties and raising money for the school.  Thank you for helping me with all the projects and being patient when I brought home 'new math.'  Thank you for doing it all with no thanks in return.  Thanks for being great moms to me and all the elementary school kids of yesterday and today. 

That is life in MomZania.